Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father did.
Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
God said "Let there be light!". Chuck Norris said "Say please..."
There were never such things as giraffes until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a horse in the jaw.
Jesus can walk on water. Chuck Norris can swim through land.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.
The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When this discovery was made public by Albert Einstein, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Chuck Norris doesnt shave, he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
For some men, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.
Some people wear Superman pijamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pijamas.
Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes and sidewalks.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.
Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't, before his first space expedition.
Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.
Chuck Norris does not style his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.
Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.
Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.
In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."
Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.
Chuck Norris has been dead for years. Death just hasn’t built up the courage to tell him.
Chuck Norris doesn’t dodge bullets… bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris’s tears can cure cancer. Too bad he never cries. Ever.
There is no "Ctrl" button on Chuck Norris’s computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
(stamp by *
KawaiiUniverseStudio)
I love to photograph nature and I enjoy sharing my images. :thumb151768898:
In my gallery you'll find images of more than 300 species of fungi, plants and animals.
Please don't tag me, I'm not likely to answer... Click on the links below to see my watchers and their wonderful deviations!
Watchers and features - Part 1 Watchers and features - Part 2 Watchers and features - Part 3 Watchers and features - Part 4 Watchers and features - Part 5 Watchers and features - Part 6 Watchers and features - Part 7 Watchers and features - Part 8 Watchers and features - Part 9 Watchers and features - Part 10 SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Alaska Airlines.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR - 2007
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,
Or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says:
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
1. If you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with females about lifting the toilet seat, by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers - simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
This is the best stamp I've found on DA! People tend to forget that this site is supposed to be about art, not pageviews... Asking, begging or tricking people to go to your page - just to increase the pageviews number - will definitely not make you a better artist!
The top subjects every self-respecting photographer must have (or maybe avoid...) in their gallery:
01. Dandelion seed(s), preferably with water drops
02. Rose(s)
03. Poppy
04. Puppy
05. Kitten
06. Baby (the younger the better)
07. Drop of water on flower
08. Close-up of and eye (both eyes accepted also)
09. Heart-shaped object, plant or creature
10. Human shadow on sand, pavement, etc.
11. Feather
12. Feather with cleverly placed drop of water
13. Sunset/sunrise (suggested by =
Nameda)
14. Reflection on water (suggested by =
Nameda)
15. Spiderweb with dew drops
16. Daisies (suggested by *
irgendeine)
17. Bokeh - it's all the rage now (suggested by ~
ninereeds-DA)
18. Gummy Bears - we don't have enough of them... (suggested by ~
ninereeds-DA)
19. Feet; bare or in funny stockings/socks (suggested by !
Adi-Emus)
20. Woman with colourful (preferably red) umbrella (suggested by !
Adi-Emus)
21. Lonely tree (suggested by *
lightrae)
22. Sparkles - coloured ones in particular - on your face or on a drop of water (suggested by ~
TheWindWraith)
23. Silhouettes (suggested by ~
CandiceSmithPhoto)
24. Self-portrait - most flattering ever taken, of course (suggested by ~
CandiceSmithPhoto)
25. Rainbow, either the real thing or of colorful objects (suggested by ~
CandiceSmithPhoto)
26. Cloud patterns (suggested by ~
CandiceSmithPhoto)
Feel free to send me suggestions to expand this list - it's for the good of the community... And please don't take the list too seriously, I'm mostly having fun here!
Maybe you noticed that water drops appear quite often in this list. In fact, if you sprinkle some water on your subjects, it's guaranteed to improve your images 100%!
Etymology of the word ' politics ': poli (which means 'many' ) + tics (blood-sucking parasites).
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Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.
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Q: Is it true that in the human species the female eats the male alive, after the wedding night?
A: No, of course not! That is a long process, which takes years and years...
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Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. (Mark Twain)
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. (Mark Twain)
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know. (Mark Twain)
It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. (Mark Twain)
It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought and the wisdom never to use either. (Mark Twain)
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Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized!
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First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
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Interviewer: "What do you think of Western civilization?"
Ghandi: "I think it would be a great idea."
In case anyone is wondering what possessed me to put a bunch of letters and numbers in the image titles, this is why: I'm using a code to identify each image (XT=Canon XT; 20D=Canon 20D; 40D=Canon 40D; 50D=Canon 50D).
The strip shows a range of grays from pure black to pure white. You should be able to see a clear difference between each shade of gray, ranging from pure black to pure white.
Along the top of the strips are alternate patches of black and dark gray. If it looks solid black to you (look very carefully), your monitor’s brightness is set too low. Increase it until you can just perceive the difference between the gray and the black squares.
Watchers and features - Part 4
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Joy 
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