Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet.
Husband: How does that help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush...
(stamp by =
ValentinaCrespo)
I love to photograph nature and I enjoy sharing my images.
In my gallery you'll find images of more than 300 species of fungi, plants and animals.
Please don't tag me, I'm not likely to answer... Click on the links below to see my watchers and their wonderful deviations!
Watchers and features - Part 1 Watchers and features - Part 2 Watchers and features - Part 3 Watchers and features - Part 4 Watchers and features - Part 5 Watchers and features - Part 6 Watchers and features - Part 7 Watchers and features - Part 8 Watchers and features - Part 9 Watchers and features - Part 10 SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Alaska Airlines.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR - 2007
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,
Or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says:
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
1. If you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with females about lifting the toilet seat, by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers - simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
This is the best stamp I've found on DA! People tend to forget that this site is supposed to be about art, not pageviews... Asking, begging or tricking people to go to your page - just to increase the pageviews number - will definitely not make you a better artist!
The top subjects every self-respecting photographer must have (or maybe avoid...) in their gallery:
01. Dandelion seed(s), preferably with water drops
02. Rose(s)
03. Poppy
04. Puppy
05. Kitten
06. Baby (the younger the better)
07. Drop of water on flower
08. Close-up of and eye (both eyes accepted also)
09. Heart-shaped object, plant or creature
10. Human shadow on sand, pavement, etc.
11. Feather
12. Feather with cleverly placed drop of water
13. Sunset/sunrise (suggested by =
Nameda)
14. Reflection on water (suggested by =
Nameda)
15. Spiderweb with dew drops
16. Daisies (suggested by *
irgendeine)
17. Bokeh - it's all the rage now (suggested by *
ninereeds-DA)
18. Gummy Bears - we don't have enough of them... (suggested by *
ninereeds-DA)
19. Feet; bare or in funny stockings/socks (suggested by =
Adi-Emus)
20. Woman with colourful (preferably red) umbrella (suggested by =
Adi-Emus)
21. Lonely tree (suggested by *
lightrae)
22. Sparkles - coloured ones in particular - on your face or on a drop of water (suggested by *
TheWindWraith)
23. Silhouettes (suggested by *
SazzyShortness)
24. Self-portrait - most flattering ever taken, of course (suggested by *
SazzyShortness)
25. Rainbow, either the real thing or of colorful objects (suggested by *
SazzyShortness)
26. Cloud patterns (suggested by *
SazzyShortness)
Feel free to send me suggestions to expand this list - it's for the good of the community... And please don't take the list too seriously, I'm mostly having fun here!
Maybe you noticed that water drops appear quite often in this list. In fact, if you sprinkle some water on your subjects, it's guaranteed to improve your images 100%!
Etymology of the word ' politics ': poli (which means 'many' ) + tics (blood-sucking parasites).
--
Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.
--
Q: Is it true that in the human species the female eats the male alive, after the wedding night?
A: No, of course not! That is a long process, which takes years and years...
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Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. (Mark Twain)
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. (Mark Twain)
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know. (Mark Twain)
It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. (Mark Twain)
It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought and the wisdom never to use either. (Mark Twain)
--
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized!
--
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
--
Interviewer: "What do you think of Western civilization?"
Ghandi: "I think it would be a great idea."
In case anyone is wondering what possessed me to put a bunch of letters and numbers in the image titles, this is why: I'm using a code to identify each image (XT=Canon XT; 20D=Canon 20D; 40D=Canon 40D; 50D=Canon 50D).
The strip shows a range of grays from pure black to pure white. You should be able to see a clear difference between each shade of gray, ranging from pure black to pure white.
Along the top of the strips are alternate patches of black and dark gray. If it looks solid black to you (look very carefully), your monitor’s brightness is set too low. Increase it until you can just perceive the difference between the gray and the black squares.
The full article is here: [link]
I give =
PhotographersClub permission to submit my work to the club's gallery.
Letter to Santa 
Joy
You don't have New Zealand 
