Since I have an adopted stray cat, I thought I'd post this - for all the cat owners out there on dA! You know I always try to give useful advice...

1. Sit on sofa. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your elbow as though you were going to give a bottle to a baby. Talk softly to it.

2. With right hand, position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. (be patient) As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.

3. Pick the pill up off the floor and go get the cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. Sit on floor in kitchen, wrap arm around cat as before, drop pill in mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.

4. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Go find the cat. Bring it back into the kitchen. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten..

5. Pry claws from back legs out of your arm. Pick up half-dissolved pill from floor and drop it into garbage can.

6. Retrieve cat from top of closet. Call spouse from backyard. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rod and pill from goldfish bowl. G et another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take another pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour one cup of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Get last pill from bottle. Go into bathroom and get a fluffy towel. Stay in the bathroom with the cat, and close the door.

16. Sit on bathroom floor, wrap towel around kitty, leaving only his head exposed. Cradle kitty in the crook of your arm, and pick up pill off of counter.

17. Retrieve cat from top of shower door (you didn't know that cats can jump 5 feet straight up in the air, did you?), and wrap towel around it a little tighter, making sure its paws can't come out this time. With fingers at either side of its jaw, pry it open and pop pill into mouth. Quickly close mouth (his, not yours).

18. Sit on floor with cat in your lap, stroking it under the chin and talking gently to it for at least a half hour, while the pill dissolves.

19. Unwrap towel, open bathroom door. Wash off scratches in warm soapy water, comb your hair, and go find something to occupy your time for 7-1/2 hours.

20. Write newspaper add: "Free playful cat, for a loving family. Or any family...". Call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.



(stamp by =ValentinaCrespo)

I love to photograph nature and I enjoy sharing my images.
In my gallery you'll find images of more than 300 species of fungi, plants and animals.


Please don't tag me, I'm not likely to answer...



Click on the links below to see my watchers and their wonderful deviations!
Watchers and features - Part 1
Watchers and features - Part 2
Watchers and features - Part 3
Watchers and features - Part 4
Watchers and features - Part 5
Watchers and features - Part 6
Watchers and features - Part 7
Watchers and features - Part 8




SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Alaska Airlines.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR - 2007
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,
Or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says:
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."



1. If you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with females about lifting the toilet seat, by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers - simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.



This is the best stamp I've found on DA! People tend to forget that this site is supposed to be about art, not pageviews... Asking, begging or tricking people to go to your page - just to increase the pageviews number - will definitely not make you a better artist!



The top subjects every self-respecting photographer must have (or maybe avoid...) in their gallery:

01. Dandelion seed(s), preferably with water drops
02. Rose(s)
03. Poppy
04. Puppy
05. Kitten
06. Baby (the younger the better)
07. Drop of water on flower
08. Close-up of and eye (both eyes accepted also)
09. Heart-shaped object, plant or creature
10. Human shadow on sand, pavement, etc.
11. Feather
12. Feather with cleverly placed drop of water
13. Sunset/sunrise (suggested by =Nameda)
14. Reflection on water (suggested by =Nameda)
15. Spiderweb with dew drops
16. Daisies (suggested by *irgendeine)
17. Bokeh - it's all the rage now (suggested by *ninereeds-DA)
18. Gummy Bears - we don't have enough of them... (suggested by *ninereeds-DA)
19. Feet; bare or in funny stockings/socks (suggested by =Adi-Emus)
20. Woman with colourful (preferably red) umbrella (suggested by =Adi-Emus)
21. Lonely tree (suggested by *lightrae)
22. Sparkles - coloured ones in particular - on your face or on a drop of water (suggested by *TheWindWraith)

Feel free to send me suggestions to expand this list - it's for the good of the community... And please don't take the list too seriously, I'm mostly having fun here! Maybe you noticed that water drops appear quite often in this list. In fact, if you sprinkle some water on your subjects, it's guaranteed to improve your images 100%!



Etymology of the word ' politics ': poli (which means 'many' ) + tics (blood-sucking parasites).
--
Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.
--
Q: Is it true that in the human species the female eats the male alive, after the wedding night?
A: No, of course not! That is a long process, which takes years and years...
--
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. (Mark Twain)

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. (Mark Twain)

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know. (Mark Twain)

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. (Mark Twain)

It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought and the wisdom never to use either. (Mark Twain)
--
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized!
--
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
--
Interviewer: "What do you think of Western civilization?"
Ghandi: "I think it would be a great idea."



In case anyone is wondering what possessed me to put a bunch of letters and numbers in the image titles, this is why: I'm using a code to identify each image (XT=Canon XT; 20D=Canon 20D; 40D=Canon 40D; 50D=Canon 50D).



The strip shows a range of grays from pure black to pure white. You should be able to see a clear difference between each shade of gray, ranging from pure black to pure white.



Along the top of the strips are alternate patches of black and dark gray. If it looks solid black to you (look very carefully), your monitor’s brightness is set too low. Increase it until you can just perceive the difference between the gray and the black squares.

The full article is here: [link]

Clubs I've joined

I give *PhotographersClub permission to submit my work to the club's gallery.